- Performance alarm has been known to pose detrimental and psychologically ?crippling? effects
- Research has shown that performance panic can be managed
- This study proposes to evaluate these different perspectives


An Examination of the Effectiveness of Management Skills for the
Performance Dread of Musicians
Melissa M. Slawsky
Abstract
The unbiased of this research proposal is to examine the effectiveness of coping strategies in dealing with a common problems hared by many musicians. Performance anxiety has been known to pose detrimental and psychologically ‘crippling’ effects on musicians regardless of age, performance opportunity, or experience. Research has shown that performance anxiety can be managed from cognitive, pedagogical, psychodynamic, skills-based and biological perspectives. This study proposes to evaluate these different perspectives and management techniques for dealing with performance alarm. Qualitative data is also proposed to be collected through questionnaires and structured interviews with graduate students studying music performance at two leading universities whom deal with this accepted predicament.
Imagine the intricate process of baking and decorating a cake for a special occasion. One painstakingly follows a recipe, bringing several ingredients together to beget the produce of ones conception. Then, the icing is added, layer upon subtle layer to complete this elaborate creation. Although one is excited with the prospect of sharing the savory fruits of ones meticulous labor, the cake is inevitably dropped.
This cake analogy is the perfect example of how ‘stage fright’ or performance anxiety can have debilitating effects on the mind of the performing musician. Despite the painstaking process of learning and preparing a musical composition, several biological and psychological factors could alter the outcome of ones performance. However, research has shown that performance anxiety can be managed from cognitive, pedagogical, psychodynamic, skills-based and biological perspectives.
Purpose and Justification
The purpose of this study is to evaluate management techniques for dealing with musicians’ stage fright and performance anxiety. Although traditional music curriculum neglects this common phenomenon, this is a very relevant aspect in the lives of many musicians. Research has offered a vast cornucopia of management skills from varied perspectives on the subject. The effectiveness of these skills will be described through this qualitative study.
Hypothesis
Management skills drawn from cognitive, pedagogical, psychodynamic, skills-based and biological perspectives during the preparation phase of preparing a musical composition may have a positive achieve on the outcome of ones performance.
Literature Review
The topic of performance anxiety has been neglected in the traditional music curriculum. However, “in current years, researchers and pedagogues have recognized performance fright as a normal phenomenon that happens to most performing artists at some time, and that it can be dealt with during the preparation phase of the performance” (Lee, 2002, p.1). Before jumping into the actual management techniques that can aid in the performance apprehension of a musician, Dr. Sang-Hie Lee’s “Musicians’ performance anxiety and coping strategies” sheds light on previous studies pertaining to this current predicament.
K.D. Pruett, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the Yale Child Study Center, theorizes that if music is embraced as a social art beget, the musician will be able to embrace the audience by shifting his or her perspective on the performance experience. Pruett’s study, “Young Narcissus at the Music Stand: Developmental Perspectives from Embarrassment to Exhibitionism,” describes the performance history of a 12 year old boy whose perspective of performing shifts from fearless reveling in attention to “developing sensitivity to nervousness and fear” (Lee, 2002, p.2).
In James Allen’s “Educating Performers,” he explains the social aspect of performance panic even further by stating “it is quite contradictory to the usual lifestyle of the musician who practices many hours in a lone practice room and who, for the most part, struggles to compete for self-improvement with the self” (Allen, 1992, p.6). He further explains “while use of group training to alleviate performance anxiety has been adopted by some researchers, the social aspect or lack of it, has not been focused on as a factor of performance anxiety” (Allen, 1992, p.7).
In his famous book “Notes from the Green Room: Coping with Stress and Horror in Musical Performance,” Paul Salmon differentiates stage fright with performance anxiety. He states “stage dismay is the heightened nervous state during a performance; performance anxiety is the vulnerable state in anticipation of performance” (Salmon, 1998, p.4). He describes the process in which these anticipatory thoughts” trigger physiological symptoms often experienced by musicians such as “sweaty palms, dry mouth or trembling hands, that, in turn, cause behavioral responses such as missing notes and forgetting words” (Salmon, 1998, 5).
Renowned psychologist Matthew McKay (cited in Whitaker and Tanning, 1987, pp.32-40) identified nine distorting thought patterns that can very easily be applied to the anxious musician: tunnel vision; polarized thinking; overgeneralization; mind reading; catastrophizing; personalization; fallacy of power and control; blaming; and should.
Tunnel vision occurs when one “looks at one element of a situation and forgets all others,” such as the looking deadline of an upcoming audition. An individual suffering from tunnel vision would feel that nothing else matters. Polarized thinking is the condition in which an individual feels that everything is either splendid or abysmal. McKay explains that “an anxious performer tends to think either he or she is very good or not good at all; there is no middle ground.” Overgeneralization, when applied to music, is when one bad performance or section of a fragment represents his or her entire capability as a musician. Catastrophizing is the “tendency to magnify a small event to a degree that one thinks everything has declined. It is analogous to making a mountain out of a mole hill.” Personalization means “taking everything as related to one’s personal well-being, personal injury or personal glory instead of being able to separate the person and the task.” Fallacy of power and control is a state in which an individual feels either omnipotent, or powerless and out of control, resulting in feelings of shame and guilt.
Blaming in the opposite condition of power and control, in which an individual finds something or someone to blame for ones performance, rather than taking responsibility.
The thought pattern ‘should’ refers to the condition when one “imposes upon oneself a list of inflexible expectations or rules that can paralyze an otherwise smooth performance.” Whitaker and Tanner (1987) further explain, “These types of thoughts are automatic and, unless recognized and interfered in some systematic way, the performer can easily put himself in the chain reaction model that sets up pre-performance anxiety.
Respected musician and artist, Stuart Dunkel, discusses the trifles and worries of real life in the arts. He explains, “Musician’s stress also can come from the uncertainty about employment, odd hours, competition with colleagues, poor financial rewards” (Dunkel, 1991, pp.6-10). He further explains, “Unlike the business world, musicians are forced constantly into conditions such as living between reality and fantasy, having to depend on others’ approval of one’s excellence or worth, having to face fear and horror, having to deal with criticism, failure or jealousy, and often being unable to separate self from the work.” However, Dunkel admits that “in the midst of these perilous conditions of making music, musicians create ingenious and incredible coping strategies that make life in music vital and worthwhile.”
Several researchers state that certain aspects of anxiety, a biologically-based heightened state of arousal, can be first-rate in ones performance. D.L. Hamman’s research shows that “musicians with the highest level of formal training were able to use the anxiety factor for positive performance effect” (Hamman, 1982, p.77). M.L. Wolfe also finds that “professional musicians used the positive anxiety components, such as arousal and intensity, to promote performance rather than letting the negative elements, like terror and distractability, diminish performance quality” (Wolfe, 1989, p.47). Another peek conducted by Salmon, Schrodt, and Wright (1989) identifies three strategies for coping with performance anxiety. Professional musicians were able to arrive a peak level of anxiety prior to performing, yet retain control during performance through “systematic rehearsal inflamed exposure to performance-related situations; positive and realistic self-statements to counteract unrealistic anticipatory fears; and the combined exhaust of mental imagery and relaxation training to develop anticipatory coping responses” (Salmon et al, 1989, pp.78-80).
A myriad of studies and coping strategies exist from physiological and psychological perspectives. Individuals were trained to replace “replace self-degrading, negative thoughts with positive task-oriented self-talk” in a inspect by Kendrick, Craig, and Lawson (1982, p.355). Four studies, in particular (as cited in Lee, 2002), deal with the topic of behavior modification through group discussion therapy and systematic desensitization. While Wardle and Appel deal with performance panic in the classroom or studio setting, Norton, MacLean & Wachna and Macune use cognitive therapy sessions in dealing with this predicament (Lee, 2002, 3). Other techniques in behavioral therapy involve muscle relaxation techniques and attentional training (Lee, 2002, p.3). Three separate studies by Levee, Morasky, and Levine & Irvine (cited in Lee, 2002) utilize electromyographic biofeedback training to reduce muscle tension. Pianist, B. McCune utilizes musical analysis and improvisation techniques in her unpublished doctoral dissertation. (McCune, 1982, p.3).
Timothy Gallwey (1976) revolutionized the field of performance and sport’s psychology with his renowned book “The Inner Game of Tennis.” He offers the art of concentration as the ultimate solution to reducing ones anxiety of performance. He explains:
One of the most practical ways to increase concentration on the ball is to learn to love it! Rep to know the tennis ball; appreciate its qualities…. Forget for a moment that it is a tennis ball and look freshly at its shape, its texture, its feel…. Allow yourself to know the ball both intellectually and through your senses. Make friends; do anything to start a relationship with it. It will help concentration immeasurably. (Gallwey, 1974, pp.107-108)
This can be aptly applied to music by focusing on “hearing every tone, every phrase, every harmonic change, every rhythmic nuance, and feeling every tactile sense and the emotional response during practice, can train the mind to concentrate on music rather than letting other thoughts enter the mind” (Lee, 2002, p.3).
Performance anxiety is an aspect of most musicians. Unfortunately, it can never be cured, only managed. However, a wealth of information exists on the subject and a myriad of coping strategies or management techniques is offered. This gape will describe the effects of some of these coping strategies on the performance of musicians at USF and UCF.
Method
Participants will be drawn from a sample of graduate students studying music performance at the University of South Florida and the University of Central Florida. Qualitative data will be collected via structured interviews and self-reported questionnaires. Pre-performance data, known here on out as pre-test data, will be collected concerning gender, age, experience, performance level, degree of performance anxiety, symptoms, and management skills they have tried or have considered trying. Post-performance data, referred to as post-test data, will be quiet concerning the prescribed management skills, level of anxiety, experience symptoms, and the outcome of ones performance.
Instruments and Procedures
Questionnaires will be distributed to applied music professors at the Universities of South Florida and Central Florida and in turn will be distributed to graduate music performance students during their studio class. (group performance class) This pre-test questionnaire will determine what degree of performance horror exists, if any, management techniques they have tried, and if anything, what has worked. Following the questionnaire, a concise explanation of management skills will be distributed and a management notion will be developed between the applied lesson teacher and the student suffering from performance anxiety. Following the next performance opportunity in studio class, a post-test questionnaire will be distributed to recount the extent the prescribed management skills may have improved the outcome of the student’s performance.
Qualitative Interviews
Following pre-test and post-test questionnaires, qualitative data will be collected through structured interviews to come by further insight as to the symptoms and experiences of students studying music performance. Effectiveness of prescribed management skills will be discussed in terms of the outcome of ones performance.
Analysis
Responses level-headed from interviews and questionnaires will describe the positive effect, if any, management skills may have had on ones performance. Responses will also shed light upon which skills, in particular, aided this particular group of students.
References
Allen, J.S. (1992). Educating performers. The Key Reporter, 62 (2), 6-7.
Dunkel, S.E. (1989). The audition process: Anxiety management and coping strategies.
(pp. 6-10) Stuyvesant, NY: Pendragon Press.
Gallwey, W.T. (1976). Inner game of tennis. (pp. 107-108) New York: Random House.
Hamman, D.L. (1982). An assessment of horror in vocal and instrumental performers.
Journal of Research in Music Education, 30, 77.
Hamann, D. (1985). The Other Side of Stage Alarm. Music Educators Journal, 71, 26-28.
Kendrick, M., Craig K., Lawson D., & Davidson P. (1982). Cognitive and behavioral
therapy for musical-performance anxiety. Journal of Consulting and Clinical
Psychology, 50, 353-362.
Lee, S.H. (2002, August-September). Musicians’ performance anxiety and coping
strategies. American Music Teacher [Online]. Available:
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2493/is_1_52/ai_90307697/pg_1
McCune, B. (1982). Functional performance anxiety modification in adult pianists.
(Doctoral Dissertation, Columbia University, 1982). Dissertation Abstracts
International, 49, 763D.
Pruett, K.D. (1988). Young Narcissus at the music stand: developmental perspectives
from embarassment to exhibitionism. Medical Problems of Performing Artists, 3
(2), 69-75.
Salmon, E., Schrodt, R., & Wright, J. (1989, June). A temporal gradient of anxiety in a
stressful performance context. Medical Problems of Performing Artists, 4 (2),
78-80.
Salmon, P.G. (1990, March). A psychological perspective on musical performance
anxiety: A review of the literature. Medical Problems of Performing Artists (5), 1,
2-11.
Salmon, P. (1992) Notes from the green room: Coping with stress and anxiety in musical
performance. (pp. 4-5). Fresh York: Lexington Books.
Whitaker, C.S. (1984). Modifications of psychophysiological responses to stress in piano
performer. (Doctoral Dissertation, Texas Tech University, 1984).
Dissertation Abstracts International, 55, 595D.
Whitaker, C.S., & Tanner, D.R. (1987). But I played it perfectly in the practice room!
(pp. 32-40) Lanham, NY: University Press of America.
Wolfe, M.L. (1989) Correlates of adaptive and maladaptive musical performance
anxiety. Medical Problems of Performing Artists (86), 47.
Appendix A
Letter of Intent for Questionnaires
Dear Colleague,
Enclosed you will find two questionnaires to distribute to your applied music students specializing in music performance. The purpose of the questionnaires and this behold is to describe the debilitating effects of performance anxiety, incorporate coping strategies or management techniques into performance preparation, and describe the effects coping strategies had, if any, on the outcome of student performance. Since performance anxiety is an aspect that is often neglected in the studio, we are hoping this study will help to incorporate management skills into the preparation phase of performance.
The first questionnaire, entitled Pre-Performance is to be distributed during the first studio class. Feel free to host a discussion about performance anxiety and the role it plays in the life of a performing musician. Next, a list of available coping strategies or management techniques will be distributed to students. Feel free to discuss these strategies with students suffering from anxiety during this class, or individual lessons.
The next questionnaire, entitled Post-Performance will be distributed after the class performs for one another. (Preferably at least a week after the first questionnaire and list of strategies was distributed) The purpose of this questionnaire is to describe what techniques were former, if any, and the effect it may have had on the outcome of the performance.
All data collected will be kept anonymous and confidential. A copy of the research report will be submitted to each participating professor. I am hoping the process and results of the study will encourage the incorporation of these management skills into the preparation phase of performance.
Thanks so much!
Melissa M. Slawsky
Appendix B
Pre-Performance/Pre-Test Questionnaire
Dear student and fellow musician:
Thank you for your cooperation in this study on performance anxiety in musicians. I am hoping that this study will encourage you to talk with your professor about potential management skills or coping strategies for performance anxiety. Incorporating these techniques into the preparation phase of performance may result in a better and more enjoyable outcome.
Thanks so great!
Melissa M. Slawsky
For each of the following items, put an X beside the choice that best describes you.
1. Gender: Male ___ Female ___
2. Total years studying instrument/voice: 1-5 ___, 6-10 ____, 11-15 ___, 16-20____, more than 20 ____.
3. What is your age: Under 21 ____, 21-24 ____, 25-30 ____, 31-35 ____, 36-40 ____,
41-45____, over 46 _____.
4. Level of playing/singing: Beginner _____, Intermediate ____, Advanced _____.
5. Instrument/Voice: (please list) ____________________________________________.
Following are a number of statements describing your experiences with performance anxiety. Read each statement and circle whether you strongly agree (SA), agree (A), are uncertain (U), disagree (D), or strongly disagree (SD) with each statement.
6. I have experienced performance anxiety. SA A U D SD
7. I currently suffer from performance anxiety. SA A U D SD
8. I enjoy performing. SA A U D SD
9. I dread performing. SA A U D SD
10. I currently try to ‘practice’ performing in order to SA A U D SD
overcome my performance anxiety.
11. I wish I had someone to succor me with my anxiety. SA A U D SD
12. I have considered leaving this profession or SA A U D SD
course of peep, due to my anxiety.
13. I try to hide my anxiety. SA A U D SD
14. Others know of my alarm. SA A U D SD
15. I do not fetch nervous while performing. SA A U D SD
Below is a list of physiological and psychological responses to performance dread. Put a check in front of each response you have experienced or currently experience.
16. __ sweaty palms
17. __ elevated heart rate
18. __ shaking hands or feet
19. __ loss of memory
20. __ feeling of loss of control
21. __ feelings of hopelessness
22. __ depression
23. __ loss of enjoyment for music study
24. __ feelings of impending doom (upcoming audition or performance)
25. __ rushing (the share gets faster and faster, or is played without breath or pause)
The following is a list of questions pertaining to coping strategies you have tried in the past in dealing with performance anxiety. Please put a check or X in front of each strategy you have ragged.
26. __ distinct ‘self-talk’
27. __ visualization
28. __ practice performing several times before ultimate performance
29. __ hypnosis
30. __ pills/drugs (beta-blockers, etc….)
31. __ breathing exercises (meditation, yoga, prayer)
32. Other (please list): ________________________________________________________________________
Thank you for your time and cooperation! Following your next performance in studio class, you will be asked to fill in a post-performance questionnaire.
Appendix C
Post-Performance/Post-test Questionnaire
Dear student and fellow musician:
I hope that the prescribed coping strategies/management techniques resulted in an enjoyable experience! (Resulting in an enjoyable performance.) Please retort the following questions about your preparation and experience with this performance.
Thanks so much!
Melissa M. Slawsky
Below is a list of coping strategies/management techniques. Put an X or a check in front of each strategy/technique you utilized during the preparation for this performance:
1. __ certain self-talk
2. __ visualization
3. __ breathing exercises (yoga, meditation, prayer)
4. __ practicing of performing (performing over and over in preparation)
5. __ pills, drugs (beta-blockers, etc…)
6. __ Strategies presented by Timothy Gallwey in the Inner Game of Tennis.
7. Other(s): (please list) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
8. Please list any books that you found kindly on the subject:
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Following are a number of statements describing your experience with this performance and preparation. Read each statement and circle whether you strong agree (SA), agree (A), are uncertain (U), disagree (D), or strongly disagree (SD) with each of the following statements.
9. I found the experience of preparing for a performance helped me. SA, A, U, D, SD
10. I noticed a difference in my attitude prior to performing. SA, A, U, D, SD
11. I noticed a distinct difference in my performance SA, A, U, D, SD
12. My professor took an active role in helping me prepare SA, A, U, D, SD
for this performance in regards to my anxiety.
13. I feel better equipped to handle my performance anxiety. SA, A, U, D, SD
14. I have a better outlook on my performance. SA, A, U, D, SD
Please provide any additional comments you have about this topic.
Appendix D
List of Management Techniques and Resources
For Performance Apprehension
Dear students and professors:
Here is a list of resources and coping strategies in regards to dealing with performance anxiety. Feel free to choose a few to implement into the preparation phase of preparing for performance.
1. Positive ‘self-talk’ (eliminating the negative ‘voices’ from within)
Resources-
Notes from the Green Room: Coping with Stress and Anxiety in Musical Performance by P. G. Salmon & R. G. Meyer
Performance Anxiety: Overcoming Your Awe in the Workplace, Social Situations, Interpersonal Communications, and the Performing Arts by Robin W. Mitchell
Controlling Stage fright: Presenting Yourself to Audiences from One to One Thousand by Peter Desberg
Audition Process: Anxiety Management and Coping Strategies by S. E. Dunkel
Stage fright: Its Causes and Cures, with Special Reference to Violin Playing by Kato Havas
A Soprano on Her Head by Eloise Ristad
The Perfect Wrong Not: Learning to Trust Your Musical Self by William Westney
2. Performance or Motivational Psychology (aka Sports psychology) Resources-
The Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey
The Inner Game of Music by Barry Green and Timothy Gallwey
Performance Power: Winning Ways to Fight Your Audience by Gloria Shafer
3. Utilizing the positive aspects of anxiety (controlling the negative) Resources-
Stage-fright: Letting it Work for You by Robert Triplett
Performance Power: Transforming Stress into Creative Power by Imtraud Tarr Kreuger
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
4. Practicing for Performance (simulating the performance experience to desensitize to the negative effects of dismay) Resources-
The Performer Prepares by Robert Caldwell
The Confident Performer by David Roland
5. Biofeedback training (How to control our body’s response to anxiety) Resources-
Curiosity Recaptured: Exploring Ways We Think and Move by Jerry Sontag
Body Mastery: Creating Success in Sport and Life by Dan Millman
Body Learning: An Introduction to the Alexander Technique by Michael Gelb
*In addition to this list, a copy of the reference section of my research proposal, as well as a copy of Sang-Hie Lee’s article entitled: “Musicians’ Performance Anxiety and Coping Strategies” will be included.
Appendix E
Pre-Performance Interview Protocol
Interview Protocol
Project: Performance Terror of Musicians (Management Techniques)
Time of interview:
Date:
Place:
Interviewer:
Interviewee:
Position of interviewee:
The purpose of this interview is to picture the extent to which performance anxiety affects the experiences of graduate students studying music performance at UCF and USF.
Questions:
1. What is your instrument? Voice?
2. What has been your experience with performance anxiety?
3. How does performance anxiety affect your current performance experiences?
4. What symptoms or responses to anxiety to you experience?
5. What strategies/techniques have you tried?
6. What books or readings have you found on the topic?
7. To what extent did these findings or strategies encourage? (if at all)
8. What are you hoping to glean from this experience?
9. What would be your ideal performance experience?
10. Do you wish you could have a coach or someone to help guide you?
11. Do you wish your professor would incorporate this topic into the curriculum?
12. What are you anxious about in regards to performing?
13. What negative thoughts run through your head that affect your performance?
14. What you think about while performing?
Appendix F
Post-Performance Interview Protocol
Interview Protocol
Project: Performance Anxiety of Musicians (Management Techniques)
Time of interview:
Date:
Place:
Interviewer:
Interviewee:
Position of interviewee:
The purpose of this interview is to describe the extent to which performance anxiety affects the experiences of graduate students studying music performance at UCF and USF. This interview, in particular, addresses which techniques were ‘prescribed’ and to what effect they had on the performance.
Questions:
1. How did you feel when you read the list of techniques?
2. Which techniques interested you?
3. What techniques did you try?
4. Which books and theories interested you?
5. Did you read further on any of the resources?
6. How did your professor help you in this process?
7. How did you incorporate these strategies into your practice?
8. How did you feel prior to performing? Any change?
9. How did you feel while performing? Any change?
10. How do you feel you did?
11. How do you feel after your performance?
12. Do you feel better equipped to deal with performance fright?
13. Do you have anything else you would like to add to the gawk?


During the period leading up to diagnosis and treatment of your loved one’s Bipolar Disorder, you both probably had your share of difficult times together that could be directly related to untreated Bipolar Disorder. Maybe complicating factors of the disorder even stopped you and your loved one from engaging in some of your favorite activities. And now maybe managing your loved one’s Bipolar Disorder is so much a part of both of your lives that “fun” is way on the back burner of your lives.
Well, everyone needs a fun time for a fulfilling life, even if they have Bipolar Disorder. Hopefully by now, your loved one is following an effective treatment plan that will fabricate it possible for both you and them to enjoy more carefree, stress-free moments. If they are, you may now be able to put more fun back into your lives!
Here are some suggestions:
Sit down individually and make a list of 10 things that you enjoyed in the past and would like to do again. (Add new ideas to your lists for places you would like to visit or activities that you would like to try.)
Share your lists with each other and then decide which things you would enjoy doing together.
Schedule at least two of these things on your calendar for the near future, and at least two things for further away.
Don’t set your expectations too high. If you “hope for the best, but understanding for the worst” (according to the Stockdale Paradox I have shared with you in the past), you will be less likely to be disappointed if things go less than perfectly with your planned activities.
Always have a back-up conception. For instance, if you plan to go camping, and it rains, go to “Plan B,” where you set up camp in the family room, roasting marshmallows in the fireplace!
Send each other an eGreeting Card. An eGreeting Card is a personalized electronic greeting card that you send to another person’s e-mail address. It’s an easy way to piece your personal, kind thoughts with someone important in your life. The makers of the medication Seroquel provide a free blueprint to do this (whether you take this medication or not). To send an eGreeting Card, impartial go to: http://www.seroquel.com/cons_bip/care/coping/fun.asp .
Surprise your loved one with an “Un-Birthday Present.” This doesn’t have to be expensive-just something “fun,” something that would bring a smile to your loved one’s face.
Go someplace together that is traditionally a “kid’s” place-like the zoo, for instance-and act like kids again!
Get out a piece of paper and a couple of pencils or pens (crayons would actually be best), and play a good, old-fashioned game of Tic-Tac-Toe! You’ll gather that you still remember how to do it, no matter how long it’s been!
Have a squirt-gun fight!
Go to the grocery store, and ask the clerk if you can take a picture with him!
Go to the department store, and “test-drive” the tricycles!
Take out the old VCR recorder, and make your own “info-mercial,” starring YOURSELVES!
Look at old photo albums.
Play the old kid’s game, “Rock-Paper-Scissors.”
Tell each other jokes and riddles.
If you are really, really bored, and want to have some fun together, go to: http://www.bored.com! You’ll find all kinds of suggestions there!


The following ideas to help you manage your unexcited depression may seem overly simple or foolish, but you should try them before dismissing them.
1) Verbalize your spouse you are feeling depressed and therefore he or she should give you a present. You could ask for jewelry, gift certificates to a spa, or flowers. Tickets to a sporting event, recent tools, music CDs or DVDs also acquire wonderful gifts.
This treatment gives you a sense of taking control. You stated the problem and put forth a solution. This alone will make you feel better.
A sparkling necklace can be the catalyst you need to serve a social event, so you can show it off. A unique drill may be just the thing to motivate you into building that bookcase. Action is an excellent way to dispel mild depression.
2) Go to the craft store and shop for a new hobby such as flower arranging, painting, needlework, picture framing, any activity that requires concentration. Hobbies are excellent stress relievers, and mild depression associated with hypothyroidism can be stress related. Hormonal fluctuations can induce dismay, which in turn causes stress. Relieving that stress relieves the depression.
3) Put on your celebrated music and dance. This is first-rate advice even if you are not feeling depressed. It’s a great diagram to utilize, reduce stress, and stimulate the muscles and the mind. Fatigue is as much a part of hypothyroidism as depression; this exercise addresses both.
4) Sit in front of a mirror, make yourself comfortable, and have a long talk with yourself. Tell yourself what you think about the upcoming election, the local sports teams, the newscaster you watch every evening. Be as amusing or serious as you like.
Allowing yourself to speak freely, to bask in your own company is excellent for your self-esteem and your self-image. This one-way conversation may also lead you to inadvertently point to pent up fears, anxieties, or anger. Giving vent to these feelings may alleviate your mild depression.
5) Read a sad book or watch a sad movie. Because sadness in reality makes people uncomfortable, people don’t allow themselves to bawl. But crying releases emotional stress, and has a cleansing affect on the mind. Letting the movie or book trigger the tears makes it easier to let them flow.
6) Rearrange your furniture. This not only stimulates you physically, it gets your creative juices flowing. If budget allows, buy some new slipcovers for the couch and chairs, artwork for the walls, and colorful accessories.
Freshening your décor gives you a sense of accomplishment. One of the best ways to manage mild depression is to do things that make you feel noble about yourself. Knowing you have the ability to create a beautiful room will lift your spirits. Your current style also gives you an excuse to invite a few friends over, to share in your accomplishment.
7) Buy a present for your spouse, your partner, your best friend. Taking the time to shop for someone else, having them in your thoughts is a positive act. This action works well with number 1, because putting someone else ahead of you, when you know they will do the same, leads to affirmation of your self worth, and the value of your relationships.
These suggestions are quick, easy plans of action to aid in feeling better. Should your depression become more persistent, if it is affecting your relationships and your lifestyle, you should consult with your physician. But if you are affected by mild depression associated with hypothyroidism, try these ideas. It’s wonderful what a little something out of the ordinary can do for the spirit.


Benefits For The Child
Benefits For The Woman
Community Benefits


Being heterosexual, I’ve never had to decide whether or not to reveal to anyone that I was straight. However, I have been “closeted” in my own way. I will now refer to my choice to stammer my truth as “Coming Out of the Attic,” in reference to the tales one reads about people locking their crazy relatives in the attic.
I mediate that I was born down. Even in childhood I felt sad much of the time. But the feelings of irritability did not start creeping in until I was 10 years customary. At that point I was starting to reach puberty. My breasts had started developing, my hips were starting to develop, I had hair on my underarms and pubic area, and I hated it. Growing up did not feel good. I wanted to remain a child. I wanted to keep playing price, riding bikes, and climbing trees with my friends. I didn’t want to have to catch responsibilities such as keeping house or holding down a job. I couldn’t explain what was happening to me emotionally. I assumed it was just normal “teenage hormones” coming on. Looking attend, it was the onset of bipolar disorder. However, this wouldn’t be properly diagnosed for another 28 years.
At the age of 38, I had been diagnosed as everything from a “hysterical neurotic” by a boob of a Freudian psychiatrist to the much more common “depressed with anxiety.” However, antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications only made me “crazier” than I already was, so I did not buy them. I figured I was doomed to always feel paranoid and be emotionally unstable. I hated the fact that sometimes I flew into rages at family members. I hated that I could lecture my son mercilessly when he made some sort of small error in judgment, or if I was fair having a bad day and he said something that I perceived incorrectly. I hated my suspicious nature and the way my mind always seemed to be “buzzing.” It seemed that nothing could benefit me, until a counselor told me that I was describing bipolar disorder.
“This can’t be,” I said. “I have always been diagnosed with depression and dread. And when I was sixteen, I told my psychology teacher after reading about manic depression that I thought it sounded like I had it. But she said I couldn’t because manic depression is a psychosis, and I wasn’t psychotic. I don’t hallucinate–well, except when I’ve been doing hallucinogens. But also, I’ve never been manic.”
My counselor told me that bipolar disorder was no longer considered a psychosis, it was categorized as a mood disorder. She also told me that there was a do of bipolar disorder known as Type II Bipolar that did not have manias, but instead had a phase known as hypomania. She then described hypomania for me. During a hypomanic phase, a person feels optimistic and has high energy, but sometimes they are also touchy and it is easy to push them to become angry. I recognized myself immediately. I was hypomanic during those times when I felt good and was never going to let myself get depressed again. Every time I went into these phases I would say that I could do it this time, I could halt up, I could be strong, now I could become the good person I had always wanted to be, nobody would ever see that dim sack loser again.
I felt many things after hearing this diagnosis. One was relief. The things that were wrong with me had a name. There were other people that had this. The other was sadness. There is no cure for bipolar disorder. I would always be sick and “abnormal.” Another feeling I had was confusion. How worthy of what I had felt in my life belonged to me and how much belonged to the sickness? I knew that I would try Lithium and see if I felt better. I would tell my family about my diagnosis. But I also felt I had to hide my diagnosis from the rest of the world. I feared that I might be fired if my employer found out. And what about any new people that came into my life? Would they reject me for being a “freak? ” In one moment, a broad weight was lifted from my shoulders, but it was replaced by another one. I was no longer a “normal person who got depressed sometimes.” I was a “bipolar freak,” and now I was “in the attic.”
When I started taking Lithium, the irritable “buzzing” stopped for the first time since childhood. However, my already hasty cycling moods became even more rapid. Whereas I used to go about a month in one phase (sometimes more with the depression) I now go for a week to ten days in a given phase. Again, sometimes longer with the depressive phase. Lucky me. However, I stopped flying into rages, stopped the heinous lecturing, and the paranoia and irritability were greatly lessened. Unfortunately my ability to concentrate obsessively on something such as reading or writing has been removed, as, sadly, has my ability to daydream vividly. However, I will no longer be without this medication. I never again want to be the paranoid rageaholic that I once was.
I have been “in the attic” since I was diagnosed as far as people such as employers are concerned. But I decided it was time to come out this summer, when my supervisor was scheduling me in a fashion that was actually causing me to have minor psychotic experiences, such as seeing things that weren’t part of physical reality and not being distinct that things that were part of physical reality were in fact real. During the summer we often have bats get into the building where I work. I stood staring at a bat for a stout five minutes one night trying to decide if it was valid or not. I had to let my supervisor know that scheduling me every other night was causing outrageous difficulty for me due to my psychiatric illness.
I have also had a lot of difficulty adjusting to returning to school this semester and have missed all but two classes within the first two weeks. So not good. But rather than letting the teachers think that I am simply a flake, I have opted to let them know the truth about my condition. From now on, I am out of the attic. No more will I fear what people may think of me if they hear that I have bipolar disorder. If someone decides that they don’t want to associate with a “freak,” fine. It is them that has the problem. I’m going to let my freak flag waft.
For my fellows with psychiatric diagnosis: it is time to let the world know that we are here, that we are people, that we are not a stereotype to be laughed at and belittled. We are not stupid. We are superior of rational thought. We scrutinize our limitations but we need to be allowed to know our strengths as well. We do have thoughts and feelings that are really ours, not just a symptom of our disease. We know when medications work well for us and when they are causing problems. And we know when people are looking down at us. The quickest way to fabricate a mad person angry is to act like you are superior to them simply because you haven’t yet received a psychiatric diagnosis of your own to make you join our special ranks.
It’s time to come out of the attic. It’s time to demand courteous, professional, affordable treatment for our illnesses and to demand the same respect that all people are entitled to in our lives. The time has come to let our freak flag fly for all the world to see.


You check the clock. It’s 1 o’clock am. You roll over. It’s 2 o’clock am. You fight the covers. It’s 3 o’clock am. It’s another night and you can’t sleep! You need sleep! Instead of watching the clock, you can opt for a prescription to help you secure to sleep; however, what you don’t know about prescription sleep aids may harm you. So, here’s a guide to prescription sleep aids and their side effects.
TYPES OF PRESCRIPTION SLEEP AIDS
There are three different types of prescription medications or sedative hypnotics. While each helps you sleep, each has a different do on the chemicals in your body that help you fall asleep. Of these drugs, There are Benzodiazepines, non-Benzodiazepines, and Melatonin Receptor Agonists.
Benzodiazepines, sometimes called benzos, are an older class of prescription sleep aid and act by working on receptors in the brain to slow down the nervous system. They induce and maintain sleep . Think of benzos as chemicals that wait on aloof the brains sensors. Common sleep medications in this category are ProSom (Estazolam), Dalmane (Flurazepam), Doral (Quazepam), Restoril (Temazepam), and Halcion (Triazolam). In general, these drugs have various risks including dependency.
Non-Benzodiazepines are piece of a newer class of sleep medication. They act similarly to benzodiazepines, but do not have the same chemical make-up. Current aids in this class include Lunestra (Eszopiclone), Sonata (Zalepon) and Ambien (Zolpidem).
Melatonin Receptor Agonists (MRA) mimick the bodies natural sleep regulator- the hormone melatonin. Rozerem (Ramelteon), a newer prescription sleep aid, is a medication in this class.
SIDE EFFECTS
Prescription sleeping pills have side effects dependent on dosage, length of use, and type of medication. Side effects of course also vary relative to the sleep aid users other medical issues or additional medications used.
Dependency
Drug dependency is a known risk of taking sleep aids, other the counter or prescription. Chronic use of sleep aids, such as benzodiazepines can be addicting. These sleep drugs have been known to abused in conjunction with street drugs. Health professionals should monitor a patients exercise and patients must speak with their doctors if they feel they may have dependent or addiction disorders.
Depression
Many sleep aids have uses for other conditions, such as anxiety. As a result, sleep medications may have a depressive attain. In some cases, suicidal ideation, and other depressive symptoms may result. If this is a concern, sleep aid users need to consult their physicians and possibly cleave dosages or discontinue using their particular sleep medication.
Drowsiness and Grogginess
One major peril about prescription sleep aids is the drowsiness and/or grogginess. The use of these aids can cause daytime sleepiness. Carefully following prescription instructions should alleviate this problem. However, it is advisable for sleep aid users should not drive or use heavy equipment while using these types of medications.
Other side effects
Some other common side effects can be gastrointestinal or reactive in nature. These possible side effects can include constipation, memory lapses, muscle aches, daytime sleepiness, withdrawal symptoms (sweats and nausea), dizziness, dry mouth, loss of appetite, and allergic reactions. Specifically for the melatonin agonists sleep aids, the increase melatonin has been known to effect male and female hormone levels.
All sleep aids can have side effects; however, through following prescription instructions, consulting your doctor with concerns, and eliminating possible life stressors, you can reduce your risk for side effects.
For more information, consult prescription drug guides, such as the Physicians’ Desk Reference, and these websites:
http://www.fda.gov/NewsEvents/Newsroom/PressAnnouncements/2007/ucm108868.htm
http://www.helpguide.org/life/ sleep_aids_medication_insomnia _treatment.htm
http://www.sleepfoundation.org/product/sleep-aids-everything-you-wanted-know-50-pack


There are many resources that offer explanations of clinical depression and bi-polar disorder from a clinical standpoint. But what about from a spiritual one? Cheri Huber, a Zen Teacher in
There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate by Cheri Huber (ISBN 0971030901) and The Depression Book: Depression as an Opportunity for Spiritual Growth by Cheri Huber (ISBN 096362556X) are both very similar books. Huber is a Zen teacher and uses spirituality and awareness to reveal what depression does, why it does it, and what we can do about it. In the introduction to The Depression Book, she says that depression can be a gift that teaches us how to have compassion for ourselves. She also tells us that “the state of depression is not the problem; the process of depressing is the spot.” With gentleness and esteem, Huber shows us how the mind works to control our behavior and tells us things that sound helpful, but which really are punishing us and keeping us from connecting to our true self.
Both The Depression Book and There Is Nothing Substandard with You are type-set in such a way that the print looks like a person’s handwriting. Little diagrams by June Shiver are included throughout the text. Quirky and fun, these illustrations help us to relax and not take ourselves so seriously. Essentially, that is the entire purpose of both of Huber’s books: to help us to relax, become centered, and let go of taking our thoughts so seriously.
Each book has the same overall message with a slightly different focus. The Depression Book focuses on clinical depression and There is Nothing Wrong with You teaches how to travel beyond our personality, terror, and self-hate, which are the tools that our mind uses to prevent us from seeing and appreciating our true nature. In reality, the fear and self-hate are intimately entwined with depression, so when I read, I just substitute “self-hate” for “depression.”
What makes Huber’s books so unique is that they are loving, accepting, and fun. As you read, you learn new concepts for relating to yourself and your own mind so that you can become aware of when you commence to “depress” and then you can consciously choose to stop. It takes practice, but each time you do it, your body learns that new behaviors are possible. Your mind begins to reflect of other ways to talk to you rather than using anger and fear. Huber’s books give you the chance to allow yourself to just be you without obsessing over how to “get rid of” depression.
One of the problems that I have with books on depression is that you can get so caught up in analyzing your depression and its symptoms and in all the methods of treatment that you begin to earn depressed about being depressed or depressed about not being able to do the exercises that you are told will help you become “un-depressed”. Everything about your condition becomes another excuse to beat yourself up and use the depression against yourself. Huber’s books are completely different. The books are not about depression so great as about how to connect to the you that is there underneath all the heart-broken thoughts.
Depression is not an illness that just “goes away”. The books offered here are not cures, but they offer key information in understanding how to work through depression. Utilize these tools in conjunction with your medical treatment or therapy as a device to support the healing process.


The middle girl told mom, “Everywhere I go, someone tells me I look like my tremendous sister.” In a family of three girls, there is jealously, rivalry and drama around the corner. The two younger are clones of the first girl. Thank heavens the oldest is gorgeous, but most similarities among the three stop at their great looks.
The family is in tune with nature and its environmentally constructive enhancements. The older girls understand “living green concepts” and love projects based on green doctrine. The baby does not care. All admire crafts and seasonal projects. Mom and Dad are metropolitan types and girls, too. Family gatherings are delightful, and any excuse to have one is suitable.
First-born children are more than likely to become leaders and speak responsibility and leadership skills in early childhood. The oldest child is usually a perfectionist. With two younger sisters, it is definite that the oldest sets the rules. From the middle girl, this meets with sibling resistance of Biblical proportions. The older child continues to ignore all resistance and continues with the baby who merrily plays along with the game. .
The middle daughter feels outside the circle looking into the fun. Insisting on attention grabber devices, she distances herself from involvement. Look for the middle child to display “notice me” gimmicks. Secretive and less interactive at home, the middle child feels more comfortable in a group with freedom to share thoughts. Spend time with all your children but especially some one-on-one with the middle child. Allow them to beget some family choices.
The little one will always be the baby. She is Mom and Dad’s baby and her sisters’ baby. She will expect most people to hop when she says jump. Even in early years, she is bossy and sluggish. The last child is the “baby of the family” and enjoys the role for long periods. Surprisingly, they retain the nickname “Baby” into adulthood. This one gets away with everything, and the older are quick to point fingers.
Over half the presidents are first born and the media profession has many first-born children among its famous list. If the first-born are the leaders, the middle children are the entrepreneurs. The baby of the family will always be the baby of the family. Apply rules for the youngest, and do not give in. The older two are watching. Update the picture album.
Take the test:
http://www.parents.com/parents/analysis.jsp? quizId=/templatedata/ab/quiz/data/BirthOrderQuiz_03052004.xml&catref=cat3550006&_requestid=152629
Sources:
Personal Experiences of the Author, First Born
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/06/10/earlyshow/living/parenting/main511694.shtml


Her little girl was turning a year old soon.
August 1, 2001
That night Tara was on top of the world and she didn’t know why. But she felt this tremendous surge of energy and happiness unlike she’d known in her life, she was pleasing sure.
Maybe it was just the full moon, which always affected her. But she felt actually thrilled about the adoption. She put up new pix of MacKenzie and her apartment looked great. She could actually watch a show about adoption and be unemotional.
She wrote a poem for MacKenzie and sent it to her for her 1st birthday with a card:
Number One
Your laughter
they just ache to hear
your skin like silk
a baby’s breath.
Your smile a whisper
to our hearts
awakening us
to your sweet spirit.
Your soul
a flower
opening up
Each day a grand
experience.
Your birthday wishes
wrapped in pink
blowing kisses
waving goodbye
I visited the playground today
and smiling, remembered
our time together.
The way your tiny arms
flailed about
my arms against yours,
the sun’s gleaming hue.
Not long ago you were
so tiny,
growing inside me
waiting to sprout.
And now you crawl,
you stand, you play,
each day’s your own
amusement park.
For the first time in a long time, Tara didn’t want to go to bed because of happiness and an excitement she couldn’t name. This time it wasn’t because of insomnia or alarm of nightmares. She just wanted to play all night.
It was as if MacKenzie’s spirit was right there. And it was, really.
It didn’t matter at that moment that Tara and Chelsea couldn’t agree on Tara not continuing to send Chelsea emails from her APs.
For this moment Tara was at peace no matter how long it lasted.
August 2, 2001
Tara was up at 6:00 a.m., an hour and a half early. She went and emailed the scanned new pix of MacKenzie to friends and family. She always got great responses.
Tara’s passe boss and the birth mom, who had lived at Gladney with her, posted her story on the online birth mom abet group:
“I picked my APs as her parents and because I had private health insurance was able to call most of the shots in regard to how I wanted the adoption to go,” she wrote. “Ellen (my daughter) was never placed in Transitional Care and left the hospital with her parents two days after I gave birth to her. I signed my final paperwork exactly 48 hours after she was born. Her birthday is June 10, 2000. Like Tara, I had a face-to-face (visit) in December. It was the most incredible experience. Honestly, I was panicked before I did it. My daughter was so beautiful and it was a wonderful chance to watch how my APs are growing as parents.
I would definitely recommend having the six months face-to-face to every birth mother that’s given the opportunity. For Ellen’s first birthday I planted a tree for her instead of sending her a “present.” I wanted it to be in a special place where when and if we’re reunited we can visit it together. I plan on returning to visit each year as I celebrate my daughter’s birthday and thank God for the life that He has blessed both of us with!”
Tara got an email from her online support buddy for her addiction:
“That’s a really good point about when you were just to your feelings that you didn’t act out!” she wrote. “I’ve found the same thing.
Sometimes I even find the opposite to be factual – when I don’t act out I find a lot more feelings approach up that I am pushing away when I do act out. Does that form sense? About your grandmother, I think it’s only natural to feel some guilt when someone we love dies. I don’t know why that is but it seems to be human response. For months after my boyfriend was killed I felt horribly guilty over something that had happened before he died and I was convinced if I had done things differently that he would still be alive. I’m positive that even though you didn’t glean to visit your grandmother often or go to her funeral that she knew how noteworthy you cared for her.”
Tara was in a good mood at work, though tired, until lunch when a co-worker brought her newborn baby girl in to work for the first time.
She was still on maternity leave until October.
Walking down the hallway at work, Tara spotted the baby car seat sitting in the hall and a couple of her co-workers gathered around it,
ooohhing and ahhhing. Tara looked at the baby out of the corner of her spy and said, “Excuse me” more than once before anyone noticed her as she tried to wedge her way past the women in the doorway back to her desk.
As sudden as a dark cloud, she got emotional and though she didn’t note it, she was overcome with sudden sadness and loss.
Then she got angry with herself. She belief she was doing so well.
Luckily it was time for her to go to lunch and it helped to get away. As she drove to pick up her paycheck she cursed at the situation and herself for her response. It wasn’t the first or last time she’d see a baby since MacKenzie’s birth.
But this emotion came out of nowhere after the great night she’d had the night before.
Busying herself with errands, the emotion left her and by the time she got assist to work, she was succor to “normal.” She noticed it didn’t last as long as it would’ve a month ago or even longer than that.
This was progress.
She and Chelsea made up more or less over email and Tara detached planned to visit. She knew she would always have to take care of Chelsea’s feelings but she loved her too much to do anything less.
August 6, 2001
Tara dreamed about her grandma the night before who had just died but didn’t remember much about it, only that she was sick. In the same dream Tara was having an asthma attack and no one would listen to her or help her.
Tara’s passe boss heard from a resident who had been with them at Gladney and who was now there again but didn’t know what to say to her. It was clear she didn’t want help or see the need for it.
Another co-worker brought in her newborn baby only this time Tara didn’t get upset about it.
Go figure. And it was a girl.
Tara had been feeling the need to hang out at the playground where she placed MacKenzie. She knew it was because her birthday was coming up on the 15th. Her friend had gone into a coma on that same day and her uncle died that day, too.
Tara had a session with her counselor and vented some feelings about her anger and general feeling of being fed up with everyone seeing her as pathetic. She fought self-destructing all weekend.
She slept her bad mood away after dinner and didn’t want to get up but forced herself to.
The “Creating Futures” Gladney birth mom newsletter came out. The cover story called “To Tell or Not to Remark” regarding adoption was pretty good. It stressed the importance of a confident attitude when discussing adoption with others.
Not feeling sterling in telling one’s story makes for a hard road. Roadblocks like Chelsea not wanting any more emails from the APs
can occur. Negative responses shouldn’t be taken personally but that was hard, too. Birth moms are in control of the situation, according to
the article. But it’s important to make a decision one procedure or the other as to if a birth mom is going to whisper her adoption story or not.
That day Tara left a message regarding an ad for egg donors because she was desperate for money. It also called for surrogate moms but not only was that illegal in Tara’s place, but she couldn’t go through placing another child again.
The only thing about egg donation was that if she ever got benefit with Mark, her ex-husband, he wanted kids and that would rule that out.
Still, she desperately needed money and $1,000 to $2,000 would really help.
One of the requirements to be a donor included passing a psych test, which Tara knew she wouldn’t pass. She’d faked her method through a few but she doubted she’d get by. Aloof, she left the message anyway.
August 7, 2001
Tara got an email from Veronica:
“I asked Ben what he wants to get MacKenzie and his dad for their birthdays,” she wrote. “He thought and thought and unprejudiced knows his dad would like a really big kite to ?fly with me.’ And MacKenzie gets a ?really soft teddy have.’ Not bad ideas! Thus far we got her a baby doll and some dishes to go with the kitchen she got a few weeks ago. We also got her a playhouse which Ben says is his.”
August 8, 2001
James was supposed to call but she forgot to wait by the phone after she went to the ER with chest pains. She didn’t hasten home like she usually did when remembering his call.
That was progress that she no longer put her health in jeopardy for a guy.
August 8, 2001
Tara submitted her testimony for the novel visitor’s center built as part of the new Gladney building:
“Adoption enabled me to break the chain of abuse in my family by giving my daughter a new family tree with fresh roots,” she wrote. “It had made a difference in my life by allowing me to see her happy and thriving, something she wouldn’t be if I had raised her. I thank God every day that she has non-abusive parents, a two-parent home, a big brother who thinks she’s ?his baby,’ and a loving, estimable, stable household. In her I see my own childhood spirit and I have hope for the future. She gives me reason to live and to keep moving.”
She sent the entry to Veronica who responded:
“Wow, what a powerful message in just a few short sentences,” she wrote. “You are such a fabulous writer. I hope they pick your entry. We love you.”
August 9, 2001
Tara had stayed out of work that day after her trip to the ER the night before.
She thought of a name for her journal – “MacKenzie’s Hope” – a play on MacKenzie’s first and middle name.
After running around doing errands, Tara laid back down, realizing she had overdone it. On the news they told everyone with respiratory problems like Tara to end inside, but someone had to pay the bills. Tara had thought about her ex-husband, Mark all that day.
She forced herself to exercise even though she didn’t feel like it and probably shouldn’t have. She hadn’t been pushing herself enough but she hadn’t been taking care of herself either.
That night she dreamed about Mark, that they were getting remarried; only someone ruined the wedding. She was wait on at their apartment in Florida and as she walked around the state, she cried, realizing what she had lost. She knew he was out there somewhere but couldn’t reach him, kind of like reality. In the dream another wedding took place of someone else’s instead of her own.
In the dream she told someone “He told me I’d support pushing him away until he was gone.”
Then in another scene she saw herself walking down the aisle and he had a big smile on his face.
When she woke up, she was sad.
She still didn’t know what all these dreams meant. Was she supposed to mail those letters she’d been hanging on to or was all this just coincidence because she’d been thinking about him?
She remembered in the dream asking herself, “Can I be faithful now? Do I want to be? “
August 10, 2001
Tara got a long email from Veronica after asking if MacKenzie had any new feats:
“Working aggressively with Early Childhood Intervention (ECI) on eating,” she wrote. “She is still liking peaches. She’s trying to earn another tooth and is chewing on everything – including some dog food she got her hands into. She loves the dogs’ food. Kinda gross, huh? I guess as its little pellets that she can grasp in her hands. She sees it and makes a beeline for it and crawling she’s very very fast. Anyway, she doesn’t actually get it into her mouth, honest likes the scheme it feels in her hands. And the gaze on her face if she ?beats’ us to it is gleeful! She’s still trying to walk – will fill on to the couch, coffee table; etc. to get around or ?cruise.’ She also will walk holding onto our hands and is very proud of herself.
We want to send you something on the 15th (her birthday). I’m looking for the time and energy to go get MacKenzie’s pic taken for you. My
sister and brother-in-law are reconfirming their wedding vows on Saturday on their anniversary. I think that’s so sweet. She’s doing really well with her pregnancy – 22 weeks now and it’s another boy. He’ll be called Chase.”
August 13, 2001
Tara’s old boss invited her over for dinner for the 15th, MacKenzie’s first birthday. Tara planned on working during the day then maybe taking off early.
Tara met with her counselor that night and they talked about her novel dreams about Mark, her ex-husband and what they could mean. Her counselor thought she should pursue him but Tara just thought she was just being obsessive.
Tara and Chelsea were trying to plan her trip to scrutinize her and her mom. Though Tara couldn’t even pay her rent or bills, she knew her mom needed her.
She didn’t know what to do.
August 14, 2001
Tara finally figured out a draw to celebrate MacKenzie’s birthday. She planned on going to the park where Placement had been held and releasing a balloon. Every year she would increase the amount of balloons depending on MacKenzie’s age.
She was in a deep depression that day, impartial thinking about MacKenzie’s birthday, which she knew was normal. She just wanted to race her grief.
The resident who had been at Gladney emailed that she was going crazy there for the third time.
August 15, 2001
Tara got a slew of emails on MacKenzie’s birthday:
“Hope your balloon releasing holds special comfort for you,” Chelsea wrote. “I’m sending MacKenzie birthday energy and love and prayers for a happy, healthy life.”
“Happy Birthday to your daughter!” another birth mom posted. “Remember to take time for yourself today to grieve your loss and enjoy your memories with her! You will be in my thoughts and prayers.”
August 16, 2001
When Tara got home there was a box with a blue teddy believe, letter and poem from Veronica waiting for her. Veronica didn’t know that the specific bear was one she’d been eyeing for months but couldn’t afford to buy. And it was her favorite color – blue.
“I remembered this (poem) being in one of the books you prepared for MacKenzie,” Veronica wrote. “Eventually I’ll type it on nice paper with a border and frame for her room but I unprejudiced scanned this in. I’m shedding a few tears today (the 15th) – tears of thankfulness for an unselfish mother who placed her precious infant daughter in our arms. We are always so thankful to you but especially on this first birthday.
Wanted to send you flowers but afraid the delivery person would miss you so we went shopping and MacKenzie literally reached out and grabbed this Teddy. So it’s straight from her arms to yours. I know you can squeeze and squeeze him and detached feel empty arms but please know what loving thoughts are with you today and every day. We love you.”
With the package was a copy of the “A Birthday Poem,” something Tara had put in MacKenzie’s scrapbook when she was making it.
Veronica had highlighted these words at the end:
“I have a prayer: Oh God, that I may never forget that “someone” who suffered so much to give life to my child. That she loved my child so very much that she gave him the right to Live. May I never forget for a moment and especially now, today, to offer a prayer of thanks for that “someone” and that you, dear God, will always be there beside her, to abet her through the afflict she will have when she stops to think that “Today is my child’s birthday.”
Tara wrote Veronica and Frank:
“You have the biggest hearts,” she said. “When I got home yesterday and opened my package, finding that bear I always wanted along with the amazing letter and poem, it made my day. I am the luckiest birth mom in the world and I know it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m so glad MacKenzie is so well taken care of and happy. I’m very glad I made the decision I did and will never regret it.
My other teddy hold I’d had for ten years and my dog wanted to play with it! Thank you as always for your prayers. They mean a lot to me.
There’s another birth mom who was with me at Gladney and had her baby August 18th last year. This is her third trip and none of us know what to say to her. She was drunk and got raped this time.
Anyway, I also met a birth mom who’s due in two weeks and living at Gladney from Colorado. She’ll return there a few days after the birth.
I feel like I can help other birth moms now and that is a blessing. I gave her lots of encouragement and we exchanged emails, etc.
P.S. A birth mom who went with me to release the balloon the other day (who was with me at Gladney/my old boss) told me that after her little girl turned one in June she felt like a big burden had been lifted and she could have closure; that the pain was gone. Not the burden of the child, but the burden of the disaster.”
Veronica wrote back:
“I’m so glad you liked the Teddy Bear,” she said. “That poem was in your scrapbook for MacKenzie and has always meant a lot to me. Frank had a great birthday. I surprised him with a massage, which was his well-liked present. We have another party tomorrow for him,
MacKenzie and my nice Ariel at my mom’s. I took pics of all “our kids” – youth as well as toddlers and infants in the pool. It gave me a really warm feeling to see all the kids MacKenzie and Ben will grow up with.
I know your hotfoot is unbiased around the corner. I hope you get to visit with your sister and your mother also.”
August 19, 2001
Tara slept the rest of the day away till about 5 when she forced herself to get up. She was at the demolish of her rope financially again. She had no money, no gas, no money to do laundry, and no food in the house. Luckily her neighbor let her exercise her washer and dryer which was a lifesaver.
A male friend was going to take her home later but he seemed pre-occupied with a hot chick in the corner so Tara asked someone else, a female friend.
She used to be the hot young thing in the corner but those days were gone.
Tara forced herself to go to bed later and had nightmares about her Dad abusing her. In the dream he was marrying his second wife, who in reality, he was divorced from.
Tara lay in bed motionless and grew dim that when all was said and done she was just a 35-year-old former foster child who didn’t have a clue as to how to live.
The only thing she had done proper was giving her daughter a new chance.
August 20, 2001
Tara went to a job interview and decided she wasn’t qualified for the job then picked up some more food and things another friend had for her who had already called earlier.
She hugged her and they went their separate ways – her friend home to a verbally abusive husband and Tara back to her job.
August 21, 2001
Tara was in a abominable mood most of the day and was completely unmotivated. She was right where she was two years ago – bouncing checks, unable to pay her rent and bills, and living in fear. She didn’t know how she got here, just that she had.
A birth mom, who placed her son a year ago, posted a distraught message on the board of the birth mom support group. Her APs recently told her they decided to cease contact now that her son was a year old:
“I talked to my adoptive family yesterday and I’m not doing so well today,” she wrote. “I know that I should be happy for them, for my son but I am so torn. I have to smile while talking to them or I will feel like screaming. They want to disconnect the 800 number. Why do I feel so betrayed by that? I don’t want to feel like that? Befriend!”
Tara tossed and turned that night and had a nightmare about her dad. She wondered why she was having so many lately and when they would end.
She wound up talking to her neighbor outside at midnight when taking her dog out to the bathroom since she couldn’t sleep. Her neighbor was upset that her daughter, who just turned 18, had been drinking a lot and taking anti-depressants on top of it. Over the weekend her daughter had gotten in a wreck and had bruises all over her.
“I’m exhausted,” the neighbor said.
August 22, 2001
In a week Tara would be in Florida, basking in the sun, meditating on the beach, relaxing, and really unwinding for the first time in probably a year.
The pet sitter was going to cost a miniature fortune but her friend offered to let her throw some things into a garage sale she was having that weekend to turn a small profit.
She could use all the succor she could procure.
Tara was very grateful that she didn’t have to deal with dorm life now.
That night Tara ran into a friend of hers who was talking to some friends of Tara’s about how she forgave her mom after years of hating her
.
Tara asked her about Tara’s dad and how she could get past her pain with him.
“Just because you forgive him doesn’t mean you let him back in your life,” she told Tara.
That night Tara had more dreams about her dad and woke up fatigued, like she’d been in a coma.
August 23, 2001
A co-worker asked Tara where her little girl lived that day.
“She’s an hour and a half away,” Tara said, nonchalantly. “That’s all I’m allowed to know because of confidentiality.”
“I don’t think that’s fair,” the co-worker said. “The mom should know. You’re the mom.”
“Yeah, but they have to do it because of some birth moms who try to kidnap the kid and get them back, so I understand. It’s cool,” Tara said and meant it.
“Still, I don’t think it’s fair,” the co-worker said and Tara went back to her desk, unaffected.
One of the birth moms from the online back group sent everyone a link to read a birth parent grief poem and an article on birth parent grief:
The article stated that losing a child to adoption is one of the most significant losses that birthparents will ever have to face and that today open adoption is often presented to birthparents as a way to lessen the grief of losing a child to adoption. The article said that one of the first steps in dealing with any loss is knowing how grief may manifest itself.
The phases of grief include shock and denial, the former of which is often confounded by the miracle of birth, which Tara could observe, especially since she was heavily medicated before and after. Tara knew from past experiences with loss that shock was the first reaction to the impact of loss. As the shock wears off and more intense feelings of sadness and pain begin, many will enter a period of denial, according to the article. Other birthparents may deny the loss by directly avoiding it, as evidenced by some birth moms Tara had known.
Although painful, shock and denial are two very normal coping mechanisms, the article explained.
But denial that goes on too long can be a form of repressing emotions; something Tara had done all her life.
Sorrow and depression was another phase of grief. This happens usually when the shock wears off and the birthparent begins to understand the extent of their loss. For some birthparents, sorrow over the precise physical separation may be expressed in tangible sensations of loss like when Tara kept hearing a baby cry after going encourage to the dorm following MacKenzie’s birth.
Depression is often accompanied by physical symptoms as well, as Tara recognized. Some of the emotional aspects of depression can be as debilitating as the physical symptoms (Tara’s manic-depression, depression, suicidal thoughts, isolation, and rebellion).
Anger is another phase and is a natural part of the grieving experience, according to the author of the article. Unexpressed or expressed anger often festers, as Tara’s did.
Acceptance is supposed to be the final stage of grief. While things may never be the same again, Tara could come out the other side.
Acceptance was said to bring renewed energy and strength. Tara hadn’t felt the energy yet but did feel the strength.
Tara knew, as the article stated, that one of the most important factors affecting the way a birthparent grieved the loss of their child through adoption would depend on the abet and assistance they acquire from those around them. Fully experiencing grief is hard work, as Tara could attest.
Sometimes people bag stuck in one phase of grieving, which for Tara had always seems to be the “if onlys.” The article’s author went on to say that occasionally it’s a matter of finding the support in a professional that the birthparent’s family and friends are unable or unwilling to give.
Birthfathers often grieve the loss differently than birth moms, although Tara just thought Alex didn’t care.
The article concluded by saying that grieving is often a process of two steps forward, one step benefit, which was bad news to Tara, who wanted this “hell” year to be over with.
That night Tara bought Chelsea’s birthday presents to be given to her the next week when she visited. She got her Furious Libs, a game that used to play when they were kids and a Winnie the Pooh cookie cutter set since she loved Pooh.
She wanted to buy something for MacKenzie to commemorate tomorrow’s one-year anniversary of Placement Day.
Then she decided to write her and her family a letter instead.
She was reflecting back on a year ago when she and another birth mom had cried together the eve before Placement and how gut wrenching it was.
She was so grateful she wasn’t back there now. She remembered she dreamed she was at Gladney six months before she was ever pregnant and how weird that was that she would wind up there. It wasn’t the first time she’d had dreams that later came true. She often wondered if she had psychic abilities or had lived in another time although she didn’t really believe this.
That night she dreamed about MacKenzie but couldn’t remember what it was about. She woke up again feeling fatigued and stumbled out of bed to obtain ready early.
August 24, 2001
Placement Day 1st Anniversary
Tara told herself she didn’t feel sad this day. It wasn’t as hard as MacKenzie’s birthday and she didn’t want to consume it as an excuse to leave work early again like she had that day.
She had gotten things ready for a garage sale with her friend in hopes she could make enough to pay the rent or at least some bills. She still didn’t have rent money but her old boss who she’d done some freelance writing for before, emailed her and told her he had some part-time temporary work for her so that made her day.
Good, she thought, maybe things were turning around.
Tara talked to the young birth mom from the other night that was unexcited sick and had two more weeks to go before her baby was due.
Tara told her that today was her Placement Day anniversary of one year.
“How are you feeling today? ” the young birth mom asked her.
“I’m okay, just tired,” Tara said, although she did feel sad, it wasn’t unbearable.
They didn’t talk long and Tara gave her some hope, she prayed.
Tara figured this young birth mom would be a lot better off than she would, namely because she was going home to her family not long after delivery and they would support her emotionally. Tara knew that made all the difference.
Tara feared today that she wouldn’t hear from Veronica and Frank for a long time. Their agreement only required them to send information every six months now until MacKenzie was 18 but Tara hoped and thought that Veronica would continue sending her info sooner. And Veronica had told her that she’d send her a birthday tape.
When Tara got back to her desk at work that day she heard that a co-worker had had her baby at 11:50 the night before, a girl.
But in MacKenzie she now had hope; saw the light in her own daughter’s eyes reflecting her light back to her.
And Tara was finally at peace.

